Saturday, June 23rd, 2007
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9:38 am - Song lyrics that I just can't seem to get out of my head ...
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I'm over it
You see I'm falling in the vast abyss
Clouded by memories of the past
At last, I see
I hear it fading
I can't speak it
or else you will dig my grave
We fear them finding
Always winding
Take my hand now
Be alive
You see I cannot be forsaken
Because I'm not the only one
We walk amongst you
Feeding, raping
Must we hide from everyone
I'm over it
Why can't we be together
And erase it
Sleeping so long
Taking off the mask
At last, I see
My fear is fading
I can't speak it
or else you will dig my grave
We fear them finding
Always winding
Take my hand now
Be alive
You see I cannot be forsaken
Because I'm not the only one
We walk amongst you
Feeding, raping
Must we hide from everyone
You see I cannot be forsaken
Because I'm not the only one
We walk amongst you
Feeding, raping
Must we hide from everyone
Everyone
Everyone
Everyone (fading out)
current mood:  blah
current music: Distrubed - Forsaken
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Monday, April 30th, 2007
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8:28 pm - Emotions - Hell of a way to make an update
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I sit here an emotional mess, scared and unsure of my whole life. I look in the mirror and I hate what I see staring back at me. People try to tell me that I am worth something, that I have some usefulness, that I am not a burden to all those around me. But I just don't see it, I've tried to see what everyone else sees. And I just can't anymore. I have stopped trying I just can not believe that it is worth it anymore. I am lost and without direction and now I realize though I have never wanted to admit it, that I have been for a very long time. I wish that I knew where to go from here, how to move forward. When all I feel is that I am sinking and falling backwards. Well I guess I have rambled enough.. Farewell to all for now.
current mood:  depressed
current music: Going Under by Evanescence
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Monday, December 5th, 2005
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11:54 am
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The last three months have been pretty uneventfull. Made it through the beging of the holiday season pretty well so far. Christmas and my birthday are just around the corner hopefully I will make it through with as little stress as possible. Some good news though after two years of waiting I finally got my court date for SSI. Just praying things come out in my favor this time around. I must say waiting to go to court has had my anxiety levels through the roof. I can not help but worry that something might go wrong. I am trying to stay positive though because this time my doctor and therapist are behind me unlike last time around. If anyone has any advice I could really use it right now. Jason and the kids are doing alright wish I could say the same. I seem to have had more downs than ups these last couple of months. My mental health problems have been almost over whelming at times. There have been a couple of times I thought I might end up back in the hospital. But greatfully that has not happend. I just get so down and lonely sometimes that it scares me. I mean Jason and the kids are here with me you would think I would not feel so lonely. I have been having such a hard time leaving my house these last couple of months. It really saddens me because I really miss visiting with David, Tabitha, and the rest of my friends. Sometimes I wish they could come and visit me. But everyone is busy with their lives and work. But I am hoping things will get better soon and I will be able to go visit David, Tabitha, and the rest of my friends really soon. Until then I wish you all a happy holidays.
current mood:  anxious
current music: silence
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, November 17th, 2005
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2:50 pm
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 | You scored as Serenity (from Firefly). You like to live your own way and do not enjoy when anyone but a friend tries to tell you that you should do different. Now if only the Reavers would quit trying to skin you.
Moya (from Farscape) | | 75% | Nebuchadnezzar (from The Matrix) | | 75% | Serenity (from Firefly) | | 75% | Galactica (from Battlestar: Galactica) | | 69% | Bebop (from Cowboy Bebop) | | 63% | Millennium Falcon (from Star Wars) | | 56% | SG-1 (from Stargate) | | 44% | Enterprise D (from Star Trek) | | 19% | </td>
Your Ultimate Sci-Fi Profile: which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? (pics)
created with QuizFarm.com |
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, September 29th, 2005
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8:46 am
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Sunday, September 18th, 2005
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4:58 pm
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Here we are again after another long stretch between entries. I am happy to say at this moment I am doing alright. I have my little ups and downs. But nothing I have not seemed to be able to deal with. Hopefully this break in the storm you might say will last longer than before.These last couple of months I have a couple of really good visits with David and Tabitha. I have really enjoyed spending time with them and my other friends. The visit have seemed to really benifit me mental health wise. And I hope to get to visit them again very soon. Jason and the kids are doing well. My son Thomas just started high school two weeks ago. I am telling you it makes me feel real old that not only do I have a teenager, but I now have a teenager in high school. But such as life everyone grows and moves to the next level in life. Olivia and Flora are growing and changing for the positive everyday. I guess this is all for now. I hope to post again very soon. All my love and positive energy to all my friends on and off of LJ.
current mood:  optimistic
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(comment on this)
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Friday, September 16th, 2005
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11:36 am
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Neutral-Good
76% Good, 46% Chaotic |
Plane of Existence: Elysium, "Blessed Fields". Description: The plane of peace. Notable Inhabitants: Guardinals - noble immortal humanoids with bestial features.
Examples of Neutral-Goods (Ethically Neutral, Morally Good)
Mother Theresa
Ghandi
Sidhartha Gautama (the Buddha)
Gandalf
Bilbo & Frodo Baggins
Samwise Gamgee
Indiana Jones
The Dali Lama
Ben (O-Bi-Wan) Kenobi
Luke Skywalker
Harry Potter
Hermionie
Dumbledore
Often goes along with the laws and desires of the group as being the easiest course of action, but ethical considerations clearly have top priority. May pursue quite abstract goals. Often aloof and difficult to understand.
Will keep their word to others of good alignment
Would not attack an unarmed foe
Will not use poison
Will help those in need
May work with others
Indifferent to higher authority
Indifferent to organizations
Neutral Good
"Benefactor"
A neutral good [person] will obey the law, or break it when he or she sees it will serve a greater good. He or she is not bound strongly to a social system or order. His or her need to help others and reduce their suffering may take precedence over all else. Neutral good [people] do good for goodness' sake, not because they are directed to by law or by whim.
This alignment desires good without bias for or against order.
Other Alignments and Tendencies (Tendenices are what you would more often sway towards; esp. for Neutrals):
0-39% Good, 0-39% Chaotic: Lawful-Evil
0-39% Good, 40-60% Chaotic: Neutral-Evil
0-39% Good, 61-100% Chaotic: Chaotic-Evil
40-60% Good, 0-39% Chaotic: Lawful-Neutral
40-60% Good, 40-60% Chaotic: True Neutral
40-60% Good, 61-100% Chaotic: Chaotic-Neutral
61-100% Good, 0-39% Chaotic: Lawful-Good
61-100% Good, 61-100% Chaotic: Chaotic-Good |
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My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 75% on Good |
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You scored higher than 43% on Chaotic |
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current mood:  contemplative
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, July 27th, 2005
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10:08 am
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| Your Kissing Purity Score: 29% Pure | 
You're not one to kiss and tell...
But word is, you kiss pretty well. |
current mood:  bouncy
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, July 14th, 2005
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12:06 pm - Blah!
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Well, it has been almost a month since my last post. The person I spoke about in my last post still continues to do the same. I guess all I can do is continue to pray for him and hope he comes around and talks to me about his illness. Jason and the kids are doing well. Wish I could say the same for myself, I have had to wrestle with my illness alot lately. That is why I have talked to alot of people lately or done alot of other things that I enjoy doing . I wish that I could pinpoint what brought this on but I haven't been able to. I mean I did great while I was at the convention. But this last month or so has been really hard on me. I mean I know part it maybe the news I just recently received. As well as not being able to go and visit my friends like I want to. But I guess all I can do is to continue work through it the best that I can. Well, I guess that is all for now short and sweet I guess. Big hugs and scritches to all of you out there and I hope to talk to all of you soon.
current mood: but alive
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Monday, June 20th, 2005
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10:34 am - Life Sucks.....
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Just recently I found out someone close to me has a terminal illness. And has had this illness for many years now. I want to talk to the person who is ill, but I made a promise to the person who told me that I wouldn't say anything. I just do not know what to do about this. I have already lost so many people close to me and the thought of losing another is proving to much to bare. But I must keep my promise . I feel torn between strong emotions but at a loss on what to do about it. I feel like screaming at the world WHY DO YOU KEEP TAKING THE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT AWAY FROM ME !!!! It's just not fair but saddly I just have to deal with it. It is times like this that I wish I did not live so faraway from my friends. Because I could use all the emotional support I can get. I mean I confided in my husband about this peron's illness and he is being very supportive. But with everything that is going on in my life plus recieving this news. I need all the extra support I can get right now. So if anyone has any advice or words of wisdom I could sure use it. But besides all that I guess I am doing good.
current mood: depressed
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Friday, June 3rd, 2005
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9:16 am - WoooHooo!
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All I have to say is that BayCon was AWSOME I had a really great time. I made it through the whole con with minamel problems with my anxiety/panic. I am really proud of myself I was really worried that I would not be able to handle the convention as well as I did. I got to see alot of old friends and made a couple new ones. I am really looking forward to next years convention.
I had such a good time that I was sad to see the convention end. I want to say a big thank you to David and Tabitha for being so supportive through the con. I do not think I would have done as well as I had if it had not been for you two. I hate to cut the entry short but mommy duties call.
current mood: happy
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Wednesday, May 11th, 2005
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11:37 am
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Well it's finally happening after many years of waiting. We are moving and one of the biggest pluses is that Jason and I will finally have a bedroom of our own.I can not wait until we are all movied in. Because then we won't have to deal with psycho neighbors or tweekers yelling at 3 o'clock in the morning. With the move I hope it well help me go further in my recovery from my mental illness. Because I will finally be able to get away from the negative memories this place hold for me. I can only pray that it works that way. Fifteen more days until I leave for BayCon I am so excited about going. I am totally looking forward to having a five day vaction. I have noticed that the more I think and talk about going to convention, the less nervouse and scared I am . This weekend went really well. My Mother's day went o.k. . Plus drewkitty came up to see me. It was nice to see a friend and to have some time away from the house. Well, mommy duties call so I am going to make this a short post. I will try have more exciting things to post about next time.
current mood: happy
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(comment on this)
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Monday, May 9th, 2005
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10:53 am
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Your element is Rain: Sad, lonely, distant and
unique. You are quite distant from emotion and
people, but you have been made this way by one
thing or another. You are truly unique yet fail
to see it, and are quite creative be it in art,
music, writing, ect.. You used to let people in
now you don't even bother to try having been
hurt so many times in the past. Your attitude
is that you don't need anyone but yourself,
people are just trouble waiting to happen. But
you really do want to trust someone no matter
if you see it or not, deep down your waiting
for someone to come and set you free. This kind
of depression can turn dangerous, don't let
them get to you. Not everyone in the world will
hurt you, humans are humans and are not
perfect. So most likely sooner or later you'll
meet someone who feels like you do and perhaps
your shell will eventually disappear.
.:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla
current mood: blah
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, May 4th, 2005
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3:03 pm
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Your Hidden Power Is Water
You have a rather calm soul, but when tempted
will get pissed off at those who bug you. You
do whatever you can in your powers to help
those of your allies and have a okay taste for
human kind, but you find them rather annoying
on occasions.
Gem Stone: Saphire, Eye Color:Ice
Blue,Hair Color:Dark Blue that's long
that goes to your waist.
Quote:If you wait for me
Then I'll come for you. Although I've travelled
far, I always hold a place for you
In my heart. If you think of me, If you miss me
once in a while, Then I'll return to you. I'll
return and fill that space in your heart
What Is Your True Hidden Power? .::Beautiful Anime Pics::.
brought to you by Quizilla
current mood:  tired
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
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10:16 am
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Very Kinky
You are 33% pure |
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My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 15% on purity |
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current mood:  flirty
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, April 19th, 2005
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11:08 am
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Well, a month and nine days until BayCon I am really excited about it. I can't wait because I will get some much needed time away from home. But at the same time I am pretty scared about the whole thing. It has been sometime since I have spent any really length of time away from the house and my family. I am just hoping that I will not panic or have to high of anxiety while I am there. I do not want to be embarassed by my mental illness in front of my friends. I know that this is a silly fear because I will have my closest friends around me to support me should I have any problems. But I can not keep myself from worring about it. I just can not let it enter fear with me enjoying myself with my friends while I am at the convention. Last week I checked on the status of my SSI case and found out it is going to be another four months before I will know anything. This is getting stupid it has been well over six months since I went and saw their doctor I should have had a court date by now. But I guess that's the goverment for you hurry up and wait. grrrrr I will just be glad when it all comes through because it will allow me to feel like I am contributing to the care of my family. And it will also give the time to maybe go back to school and finish my degree. So that once I have better recovered from my mental illness I will be able to start working and not worry about my mental illness possible interfearing with my ability to work and hold a job. Well, I guess I have posted enough for this entry so I will close here . Much love to you all .
current mood: excited
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Saturday, April 9th, 2005
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9:20 pm
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The Prioress
You scored 18% Cardinal, 56% Monk, 58% Lady, and 43% Knight! |
You are a moral person and are also highly intellectual. You like your solitude but are also kind and helpful to those around you. Guided by a belief in the goodness of mankind you will likely be christened a saint after your life is over.
You scored high as both the Lady and the Monk. You can try again to get a more precise description of either the Monk or the lady, or you can be happy that you're an individual. |
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My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 10% on Cardinal |
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You scored higher than 80% on Monk |
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You scored higher than 95% on Lady |
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You scored higher than 29% on Knight |
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current mood: contemplative
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Thursday, April 7th, 2005
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6:14 pm - Purity test
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| Your Ultimate Purity Test 2.0 Score Is... | | | Your Score: | Average For All Users | Average For All Straight Married Pink-Skinned 31 to 37-Year old Females
(16 total) | | | Dating | 26.92% | 29.55% | 17.07% | Dated seriously | | Self-Lovin' | 56.06% | 55.93% | 47.44% | Master of your domain | | Shamelessness | 74.19% | 75.14% | 66.03% | It takes a couple of drinks | | Sex Drive | 69.05% | 72.36% | 58.48% | A fool for love, but not always | | Straightness | 27.78% | 32.42% | 10.88% | Experienced, but with room to grow | | Gayness | 20.37% | 74.35% | 62.85% | Makes Dr. Frank-n-Furter look tame | | Dominant | 76.67% | 83.91% | 78.65% | Afraid to cross at "Don't Walk" signs | | Submissive | 66.67% | 84.03% | 69.25% | Bound and gagged a few times | | Fucking Sick | 85.71% | 87.83% | 82.33% | Refreshingly normal | | Total Score | 60.46% | 70.26% | 59.61% | | Take The Ultimate Purity Test 2.0
and see how you match up!
(By The Ferrett) |
current mood: bouncy
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Saturday, March 26th, 2005
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5:29 pm
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Just a short entry this time. This weekend went well got to talk to drewkitty and silverstorm came to visit. Wich really brightend my day at least this time I am actually not stressing to bad. Well it looks like I will be attending baycon this year. I am really looking forward to it because I know I will have alot of fun while I am there. Well gotta go motherhood calls I will make another entery soon.
How evil are you?
current mood: happy
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Thursday, March 24th, 2005
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9:21 am - When is the right time ?
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When is the right time to say that you have truly had enough? That you just can not go any farther, you just do not have the strength. Feeling left behind, forgotten, and unwanted by all those that are friends and family. I have tried reaching out and I am greatful to those who have reached back. I know that I am pining for my youth when I was surrounded by friends and I felt loved, wanted, and safe. I just do not understand why things are so different now and why it hurts so damned much? I miss my friends so much, but I can't help feeling they do not miss me very much. I know that I maybe just ranting but it is better to get it out instead of letting it fester. And eventually have it exsplode out and have something really negative happen. Did I fail everyone some how in the present or in the past ? And that is why things are as the they are ? I read others LJ and they express their stress and sorrow. And others respond quickly with words of comfort and love, they are made to feel cared for and that they belong. I know it sounds like and I am being childish and jealous, but everyone wants to feel loved, comforted, and that they belong some where. I just want it to stop I don't want to cry anymore. But I just can not make the tears or the pain stop. Is this what drowing feels like? I can not just walk away from everthing my life, my family, my friends. Even though sometimes I think it would make everything better for all concerned. I could go on for hours with how I am feeling but I am crying again so it would be better that I stop here. I pray to who ever is up there that soon I will be able to post about happier things.
current mood: depressed
current music: The hum of silence
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ladygrimshadow's journal
